Author: Anisah Hamid

‘Decadence’ by Tyler Shields

Original Writing

HOLY GUACAMOLE.

I finally got round to visiting the much-anticipated exhibition ‘Decadence’, showcasing Shields’ work in the Maddox Gallery, Mayfair. Having read a few reviews prior to seeing the exhibition for myself, I was interested to find mixed opinions on his latest series. I later realised that these opinions are based entirely on one’s perspective of the subject matter and the form in which it’s portrayed.

‘Decadence’ is Shields’ manifestation of society and, more specifically, women in the court of Marie Antoinette.¹ He creates two incredibly juxtaposing, authentic images of women during this period; the provocateur and the oppressed. The director of the exhibition, James, kindly informed us of the contextual background to each and every photo on display in the Maddox Gallery. Each one has its own story and like he said, the longer you look at the photographs, the more you see.

I cannot commend and thank Tyler enough for allowing us to view his latest work in London, and for making it so accessible to us. There’s nothing quite like standing in a room full of art created by an artist you idolise. I’d also like to thank James for his welcoming hospitality and sharing with us everything both he and Tyler got up to in preparation for the opening of ‘Decadence.’

Here are a few of the pictures I was kindly encouraged to take. I would highly recommend visiting it if you’re in or around London!

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A x

¹http://www.tylershields.com/2015/11/24/decadence-by-tyler-shields-staring-jaime-king-holland-roden-and-more/

My Battle With Anxiety: 2 Years On

Mental Health Activism & Awareness

Anxiety is a general term for several disorders that cause nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worrying… These disorders affect how we feel and behave, and they can manifest real physical symptoms. Mild anxiety is vague and unsettling, while severe anxiety can be extremely debilitating, having a serious impact on daily life.¹

Sounds about right. I still remember the first time I heard the word, instantly associating it with weakness and fragility. A flaw. There are many misconceptions associated with the term ‘anxiety’ and understandably so, considering the word is so broad and broadly used in society. I also believe it’s used too loosely in day to day life, contributing to a lack of understanding. Despite coming so far as a race, we’ve become stuck in a place where we cannot manifest the ability to treat people equally based on their mental state, which is undeniably a shocking position for us, as humans.

The first time I told someone outside of my family about suffering from anxiety, I was terrified and lost in a world where toxic thoughts were swimming around in my head and I genuinely believed they would save me from drowning. Initially, telling someone else about this was an instant relief. I felt a little lighter knowing I’d shared something so destructive in my life with someone else who’d perhaps be able to help me through it, providing support where possible. Sadly, I was wrong. I’ve since learnt that people will certainly provide a supportive front but that’s all it is – a facade. Some of us are designed to deal with heavy emotional distress and some of us simply are not: and that’s okay.

Coming to terms with anxiety meant having to re-evaluate my relationships and friendships; it meant taking a step back and assessing what/where the foundation of my anxiety attacks were. I soon came to realise that a significant amount of stress I put myself under was based on being treated a certain way by people I believed I was close to. Without going into too much detail, I wasn’t treated very well by the people I held dearest to me, and I deserved much better. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t see it at the time, so it was a vicious cycle of feeling second best, then apologising for feeling this way only to be treated poorly a few weeks later. I believed that was okay, too, which is the saddest thing. My anxiety attacks were set off by feeling like I wasn’t good enough, which escalated until I reached breaking point. This was a continuous pattern throughout most of 2014 and early 2015.

I only really noticed an improvement in my mental health when I surrounded myself with positive influences and strong, healthy friendships. People who loved me unconditionally, who picked me up when I was down and never treated me differently based on my anxiety disorder. Cutting toxic relationships out of my life has massively transformed it. I’ve also found that keeping myself busy has helped immensely; the panic attacks come less often now, and I have less time to overanalyse every aspect of my life. It could be inferred that overanalysing has its perks (kind of) – I am an perfectionist and if something isn’t done to my standards, I’ll continue to work at it until I’m happy. As long as my mind is preoccupied, my anxiety levels remain steady.

Naturally, there are those days where I feel incredibly low and for no apparent reason. This is what I feel is imperative to underline and draw attention to; we have anxiety attacks, panic attacks and feel low for sometimes no reason at all. It just happens and there’s nothing we can do about it; no matter how much someone offers to comfort me, I cannot escape the prison walls of my brain, with voices telling me a thousand negative things all at once. And occasionally, the only thing I can do is cry about it and move on from there. Everyone reacts differently to anxiety and it’s formidable attacks: from crying to remaining silent for long periods of time, sometimes it’s best to leave someone be if they cannot comprehend what’s going on in their head. The same applies to social anxiety – I can’t control the panic attacks every time I enter a room or a bus full of people. Regardless of whether you’re my friend, relative or a stranger, I will panic when entering a confined space containing a number of people. That’s just the way it is for me, and no amount of therapy has managed to change that. (yet)

But if I’ve learnt anything over these two years, it’s to embrace life and all it’s got to offer us. I spent disgustingly too long distressing myself over whether or not I was a good person, if I was good enough. Surrounding myself with good people was what helped me through my darkest hours. People who inspired me, motivated me. Finally, writing has been the most effective form of therapy for me. It’s not even the factor of others going through similar experiences, it’s just ten times easier to deal with when I’m not holding it inside, when it’s on paper. Getting over the physical health stuff was tough enough, but coping with the trauma of a mental health disorder is something else entirely.

My anxiety hasn’t gone away but it’s most definitely become easier to live with. The good days almost always counterbalance the bad, and that’s what I’m focussing on.

A x

¹http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/info/anxiety/ 

 

Stand Up to Bullying

Mental Health Activism & Awareness

Being mean isn’t cool.

I sometimes wonder why on earth people have this obsessive desire to be particularly cold and manipulative when it takes so much effort to do so. You have to go out of your way to pick on someone, and I really do wonder what possesses someone to treat someone as if they’re worthless.

I’m going to try not to give an X-Factor-worthy sob story about how hard my childhood was, growing up in an all-girls privatee school but the main gist of it is that I developed anxiety as a result of certain teachers’ treatment towards me. I was made to feel like a failure at everything, and I was picked on for standing up against their constant accusations of being a disruption in class. They had their favourites and I simply wasn’t one of them, so naturally they made my life hell. I was punished for asking teachers to pronounce my name correctly when they’d intentionally mispronounce it. I was given detention for ‘answering back.’ I was always questioned about why I deserved to study at their school. Alas, shit happens.

I hate to sound bitter but there’s no way of sugar-coating an experience which traumatised me during an influential and delicate period of my life, where I was yet to discover my identity and sense of self. My point to this is that it was highly unnecessary. My form tutor and my “head of pastoral care” who soon came to claim the title of headteacher both accused me of anything and everything under the sun. I used to sit in the back and do my work silently but that wasn’t enough for them. And it was intentionally malicious; they set out to humiliate me in front of classmates. What did it achieve for them? A momentary sense of satisfaction to exploit an authoritative position and the trust of one’s parents simultaneously without them knowing, sure but what real gain was there from treating me like this? It’s been four years since I left that place and I’m still somewhat haunted by it. That’s what bullying does – it leaves scars that won’t ever leave you.

Bullying comes in all shapes and forms: online, in person, through social media etc. I am a strong believer in the notion that not enough is done to catch these coward culprits and bring them to justice. From sharing intimate pictures of your ex as ‘revenge porn’ to sending death threats to those who speak out on social media, people ought to be punished for their actions. Bullying isn’t taken as seriously as it should be, with the ramifications leaving a victim both emotionally and physically traumatised. A boy I grew up with committed suicide after being told to kill himself by another group of schoolboys in the same town as him. They spurred him on, told him they’d kill him if he didn’t go through with it. I cannot fathom how heartless a person can be if they can sleep at night after sending such messages. And to think, my friend’s death is on them now. How can one live with that? Bullying should warrant more punishment, including sentencing and jail time depending on the crime.

Discriminating against someone because of their nationality, beliefs or religion is also unacceptable and ought to be treated with the same attitude as other crimes, too. Ultimately, discrimination is singling someone out from others because they’re different in some way or another. It’s making someone believe they’re inferior to you and treating them as such. It’s unfair. We didn’t come this far in life, as a society and as a race, only to be defeated by each other. What a step backwards. Some people see bullying as childish: I see it as dangerously destructive.

Say NO to bullying, whatever form it comes in.

A x

An Open Letter to Damien Echols

Original Writing

Damien,

I doubt you’ll even see this post, let alone read it but I want to share your story, and the effect it’s had, with everyone I know. I find myself even asking people if they’ve heard of the Robin Hood Hills murders simply to talk about you.

I was first introduced to the case when I saw Devils Knot on TV. Naturally, one’s interest peaks when hearing a film is based on a true story, so hear me out before you dismiss this as just another superficial fangirl who only got her information from wikipedia and the wm3 website. I didn’t realise the enormity of the case, or the horrendous details of it either until I carefully researched the murders inside out, including looking at crime scene photos, crime lab photos/reports, evidence reports and interview transcripts.

Watching Devils Knot in no way influenced my view on your guilt or innocence, Damien. It was just another ‘true story’ drama. Understanding the details of the case helped me come to the conclusion that you are innocent. But I’m not writing this to tell you how well I know your case because no one knows it better than you. People are so quick to judge you as being guilty, even having the audacity to cite evidence and reports, but we’re all bystanders in a fight that should never have been initiated in the first place.

Your life was stripped from you for nearly two decades and you still managed to find the strength to share your experience with the world. Critics say your biography isn’t written well, it doesn’t flow or have “transition”, and it’s “bitter.” If I spent 18 years in prison, I’d be bitter too, to say in the least. More so than not, I’m finding people attacking your style of writing and I think people are forgetting that you are a human being first.

What’s more enchanting is your ability to find light in your darkest hours. You pushed forward despite the ever-growing number of obstacles pulling you back, and that’s something I can’t possibly fathom. I’m full of nothing but gratitude and admiration for you.

I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: thank you. Thank you for finding it within yourself to share your brightest and darkest hours with the world, and for standing true to yourself in the face of disgusting corruption. I can only wish you a lifetime of peace with the monsters who put you in those cells and with the battles you fight on a daily basis.

And to the three angels who lost their lives in such devastatingly tragic circumstances, I pray you are resting peacefully. May you get the justice you so desperately deserve. You will never be forgotten.

Anisah

 

Life After Death, by Damien Echols

Book Reviews

“If you walk up to a man on the street and punch him in the face, you go to prison for assault. Do the same thing to a man in prison and you get demoted.” (Echols, 244)

“Time is marked with an hourglass filled with snow instead of sand.” (331)

“I am excited today, and happy. Not for any particular reason, other than the fact that good things are coming. Good things are always coming; sometimes we just forget it.” (340)

All my life I’ve heard people say “Why would God allow this to happen?” I think it’s because while we can see only the tragedy, God sees only the beauty. While we see misery, Divinity sees us lurching and shambling one step closer to the light. I truly do believe that one day we’ll shine as brightly as the archangels themselves.” (342)

I’m writing an open letter to Echols in my next post, but I couldn’t leave this one open ended without a little explanation. The quotes above are too breathtakingly beautiful for that.

I’ve just finished reading Echols’ biography Life After Death (2012) and despite the strong probability of me saying this about other books, I feel this one has somehow managed to simultaneously take my breath away and change my outlook on life. These quotes referenced above made me stop in my tracks simply at the sheer beauty of Echols’ mind, and his ability to open up after the ordeal he endured for nearly two decades. His view of the world, which I expected to be so tarnished by his 18 years locked in a cell and awaiting execution on Death Row, is utterly perfect in its simplicity and naivety.

We all have role models and inspirations in our life. Damien Echols: you are mine. You are the epitome of strength and resilience, and I wish you could see for yourself the effect your words have had on me, and my life.

Thank you for sharing your experience with the world, and with me.

Anisah