Only love and death will change all things
– Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam (1926)
It could be worse.
That has pretty much been my life motto for the past two years and it’s actually worked out considerably well. As a result, I’m less prone to wallowing in self-pity, although perhaps I can thank my job for that, too.
After 20 months of uncertainty, pain, hospital admissions and tests, I’ve been told there’s nothing that can be done for my current health situation as there are too many risks associated with surgery. (Last resort and what we were subtly hoping for as a miraculous cure) There’s no medication left for me to take; I’m already on painkillers, plus chronic pain relief before I go to sleep, so a medicinal approach is also out of the question. Doctors have now suggested a “holistic approach” to dealing with the pain and symptoms that come with this confusing/unique health condition.
I’ve been a little weary when it comes to the term “holistic” because it felt like a cop-out when it was suggested on the post-consultation report. Almost like a “we couldn’t help you surgically, so try some homeopathy or yoga.” But looking into it further, it’s worth a shot considering we’ve exhausted every other avenue.
I guess the worst aspect of living with this/these health condition(s) is the absolute loneliness that comes with having to live with it. Of course I am incredibly blessed and lucky to have such supportive parents and family, as well as exceptional friends who have stood by my side since the day I was first hospitalised. Ultimately, however, having to live with ongoing pain and knowing there’s no real cure out there for me now is the worst thing. Realising that I’ve been through so much pain, horrid health relapses and symptoms, only to be told I should ‘go herbal.’ It’s awfully lonely; having to summon up the courage to say “okay Anisah, you’ve been through this before, you can get through this now.” Accepting that pain is a part of my life I just have to live with. When I have to leave a room, or take a break from work, or even duck to the loos when out with friends, I have to pray and beg that whatever’s causing my abdomen grief will just go away. “You just have to ride it out” is infuriating to hear; why me? After everything, why am I still suffering? Will it ever go away?
It sounds terribly despondent, I know, but I guess the lonely aspect of a health condition is something I’ve not touched on before, yet is imperative to consider nevertheless. It interlinks strongly with your psychological state of mind too, almost like a vicious circle. When I experience physical pain, my anxiety levels increase and I panic a little. As a result of living with these health issues, I’m prone to periods of feeling low and anxious for the future. I’m desperately hoping that a holistic approach helps me physically and mentally, because I am drained in both senses!
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Kahlil Gibran
If you look for inspiration in others, you’ll never find it in yourself.
You bleed out a thousand incomprehensible thoughts onto paper and suddenly the world commends you for being a fucking artist.
“A volcanic crater artfully concealed behind bouquets of flowers.” – Baudelaire on Delacroix
“Delacroix speaks a symbolic language through colour itself.” – Van Gogh
“Even when we look at nature, our imagination constructs the picture.” – Delacroix
“Oh! Young artist, you want a subject? Everything is a subject, the subject is yourself.” – Delacroix
Source: National Gallery
Not only did I have the privilege of visiting Tyler Shield’s exhibition last Thursday, but we somehow managed to stumble across a small gallery hidden away amidst a row of shops in Leicester Square! The gallery showcased some of the finest pieces of art, varying from sculptures to paintings to holographic images representing significant criticism of current society.
The prices of these pieces started at £32,000, which sheds some light as to why the owners of the gallery didn’t even try to approach us. Snobbery in a gallery is something I find quite distasteful, hence why I won’t mention the company! Nevertheless, both myself and my friend had a great time examining the works on display, and we were kindly allowed to take pictures of our favourite pieces.
The magic of holography