Author: Anisah Hamid

– Tyler Ford

Poetry

When you dip her in the middle of the dance floor, it’s the colour of her dress. When she whispers in your ear, it’s the colour of her lips. When you make love, it’s the trace you want her to leave all over your body. When she places her palm over your heart, it’s the colour that comes to the surface as her fingertips trail like a sentence that can never be finished. When you scream at the top of your lungs, it’s the colour that pierces the atmosphere. When she hears you, it’s the colour of her pulse. When you look in her eyes for the last time, it’s the fading colour of your heart falling to your knees. 

It’s not the colour you see when she leaves.

Describing the Colour Red Without Using the Word ‘Red’

University Life – Roehampton

Life Updates

After my first two weeks of university life, I am back. And exhausted.

Starting a new chapter of your life is always daunting. I spent my secondary school life at an all-girls private school and decided to leave to attend college for my A-Level studies. I went from knowing everyone in my year (and in the years below) to attend a college of 3000 students so the leap was a big one for me; one thing I didn’t really register was that the people would be completely different too. I went to a school where the students came from well-off families, and I was there for about six years so the comfort was something I was unwilling to compromise with. Eventually, however, I came to terms with the fact that I would have to leave my school eventually and venture out into the big world where my teachers wouldn’t be there to hold my hand or give me pointers on how to improve my coursework. I needed a bit of independence and going to one of the biggest college’s in London was definitely a learning curve for me. The people I met were so different to those I grew up with, from different walks of life and different backgrounds, but it benefited me in more ways than one as it helped my transition from college to university.

Now onto my university life! I am currently studying English Literature at Roehampton University in London, and I have to say I am LOVING it. At first, I was hesitant with the course structure but I guess you can’t really judge a book by it’s cover until you’ve read it (oh the irony). I am doing a single honours degree which means it is solely literature and nothing less! Now, how am I finding it? Well, if I’m honest, it is quite challenging. Having to read a book a week is never going to be easy, and planning essays and completing assignments on top of that is going to be a struggle indeed, but if you know how to prioritise your work and stay organised, it becomes much more enjoyable.

The social aspects of the university are also part of the thrill of living the life of a student, however, I didn’t have the same experience as many of the other students. I am living at home whilst studying, meaning I have to commute; it does not take long, ranging from 20 minutes to 45 minutes, and I’m saving a lot of money by living at home! I don’t have to worry about bills, cooking for people or spending money on food and repairs. However, there are downsides to living at home: for example, the flat parties and the college balls are something I do miss out on, and the travelling can become a hassle, especially if I’m only on campus for an hour.

Nevertheless, I am making the most of this experience. There is more independence as a university student, and as surprising as it sounds, I’m only on campus for 8 hours a week meaning it is my responsibility to supplement my learning with extra reading and complete my assignments in my own time.

The subject, too, is fascinating. It forces you to expand your genres of choice and explore classics you would never normally read; I’ve found myself wanting to read all of Shakespeare’s works as well as venturing into the world of Gothic literature which surprises me as I initially fascinated with the genre of horror alone. Therefore, studying literature has opened my eyes to what’s out there; literary geniuses, classical literature and much more I have yet to discover!

All in all, studying English Literature for me is like having a hobby but being challenged by it. It can get stressful, but I’m 100% certain I love literature and as a result, I am loving every minute.

A x

Anxiety

Mental Health Activism & Awareness

Recently, I have realised that many people have a misconception of what anxiety is. As a sufferer of such a destructive illness, I find it very insulting when people belittle it by using it in their day to day conversations. For example, I have overheard on a number of occasions, people making passing comments such as “you give me anxiety”, in a humourous light. I am fortunate enough not to suffer from a severe anxiety disorder which prevents me from executing my day to day activities, but nevertheless, it is extremely difficult to live with from which a variety of problems stem.

I had my gallbladder removed in January 2013 as a result of extremely unbearable abdominal pains, thanks to a great amount of “sludge” in my gallbladder which, over time, would turn into gallstones. Being in constant, severe and acute pain for such a long period of time can be unbelievably traumatic, which was the case for me. It took me over 6 months to recover from the surgery alone, and I have not fully recovered from the trauma I endured whilst in hospital. This is where the anxiety fits in. As a result of being in such severe pain for a long period of time, where painkillers didn’t make a dent in it, and where I was forced to endure some of the worst bouts of pain alone (NHS hospital visiting hours are ridiculous), I developed anxiety. I was, and still am, constantly worried that I’ll be put through what I went through last year, again. Although that part of my life is now long over, I am still haunted by the pain which will stay with me for the rest of my life.

This anxiety is also reflected in my daily and personal life. For example, I over-think and over-analyse the simplest of things, which lead to conflict, arguments and unnecessary tears and a lot of the time, others (outsiders of the condition) will not understand where I am coming from, which leads to more problems and disputes.

Since secondary school, I have suffered from very mild social anxiety, too. This somewhat worsened after my operations and society can undermine how troubling social anxiety can be; for example, simple things such as getting off the bus can trigger panic attacks and nervousness as you’re constantly paranoid about who is watching you as you make that small trip from your bus seat to the doors. Walking into a room full of strangers can trigger panic attacks as you feel as if everyone is watching you. Making new friends can seem almost impossible as you’re afraid of others judging you, hence why we see so many facades nowadays. Social anxiety should not be dismissed as a minor thing because, despite the fact that I don’t suffer from a severe form of it, it really affects your life in ways that others would not understand unless they experienced it themselves.

I have learnt that the most important way to deal with and overcome the problems that come about as a result of my anxiety is to have a strong support network. I have friends who understand my anxiety and help me through it when it gets bad, by getting to the root of the problem and then working my way out. By recognising the primary factor which has caused a panic attack or over-analysis of a situation. I am fortunate enough to have incredible parents who are there to listen to my problems if I can face them out loud, or just stay silent and stand by my side if I can’t bring myself to discuss it. They help me get to the bottom of what is causing my distress and help me come to terms with what is bringing me down. The relief you feel when you tell someone what you’re going through is unimaginable and I am so glad I told my close friends and family about what I was going through. If you think no one will understand you, you’re wrong; other sufferers can relate to you, and if you let in the right people, they will not judge you, only help you. I was terrified when I told my friend about my anxiety; I was afraid they’d never understand and label me as weak but they helped me out in ways I cannot explain. My parents did not judge me or write me off for feeling the way I did. And because I had such a strong support network, I will carry their advice, love and commitment to stand by me for the rest of my life.

Telling someone about a condition which is controlling your life will not make you vulnerable or weak or stupid. It takes strength to do so, and it makes anxiety a lot more bearable to live with.

And that is all that matters.

A x

“We did everything adults would do. What went wrong?”

Original Writing

As of recent, I have come to the conclusion that Mr Golding was not far off with his novel of a dystopian society run by children. As a matter of fact, I believe we are on our way to achieving this. When you explain this novel to someone who hasn’t read it yet, their first impressions of it are shock and disbelieve, a disregard for the nature and moral message of this fantastic novel. To them, the idea of a child committing acts of such savagery is incomprehensible, let alone an adult. Yet I am one of the very few who actually agree with Golding’s notion that savagery is within us all; all it takes is the right (or wrong) environment to trigger our inhumane, cannibalistic savagery. It may seem like a far stretch to compare the savagery that took place within the novel, to the current affairs in places such as the Middle East, but children are being forced to grow up in an environment where all they know is how to protect themselves from the frequent onslaught. As a result, the abused becomes the abuser, the hunted become the hunters, and thus a vicious cycle emerges. A child’s innocence is so easily snatched from them today.

“Maybe there is a beast… maybe it’s only us.”